- Daddy'sRules for Dating My Daughter[/size]
Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or foryou if you're a guy) :
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better bedelivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glanceat her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannotkeep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them..
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys ofyour age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling offtheir hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of yourfriends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded aboutthis issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with yourunderwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off duringthe course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun andfasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex withoututilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, whenit comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to knoweach other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day.Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indicationof when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the onlyword I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with manyopportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okaywith my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, youwill continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If youmake her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter toappear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want tobe on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting onher makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, likechanging the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with mydaughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a woodenstool Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holdinghands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough toinduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anythingother than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to herthroat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided;movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folkshomes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding,middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I amthe all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you aregoing and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truthand nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behindthe house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me tomistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over arice paddy near Hanoi .. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices inmy head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring mydaughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the carwith both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in aclear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, thenreturn to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflagedface at the window is mine[/color]
